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DIY in the bedroom

"You made your bed my girl. You better lie in it"

I am quoting my ex-mother in law. It was, and still is, one of her favourite things to say to me.

She doesn't like me. Her beloved son died beside me in our bed. My husband was only 38 when he died and I became a bewildered pregnant widow at 31. I have known life and death on a mattress.

But that is the painful past and we must live in the now which brings me rather neatly onto the subject of my new bed.

A bit like me, my double bed and mattress were starting to show their age. Sore backs, necks and restless nights were proof that a new bed was needed.

My partner is an engineer. That means that there is nothing that cannot be fixed and few things that cannot be built from scratch. So rather then pressing 'buy' on (I had done much bed porn research) I agreed that making a bed from scratch was the very best thing to do.

Now most middle aged women know that tools are essential in the bedroom. Therefore I was motivated and excited when my engineer suggested some retail therapy up the middle aisle. If you thought Ann Summers you are filthy (I love you btw we can be bffs) - the shop was B&Q.

Before starting we made a pact that we would not 'eff and jeff' at each other and that a culture of blame would not be fostered despite my novice status as carpenter's apprentice. ("Hand me the philips ...", "Plug in the router ...", "What sandpaper strength do you suggest?", ... are all testing questions when time is of the essence, we are hangry and we cannot find the fu*king pencil).

So to cut a long story short and in homarge to my teenage magazine Jackie here is my bed build photo story:

  1. Size up the bed. Decide what you want to use it for.

2. Allow abundant pillow allocation and decide how 'footballer's wives' you want to go.

3. Start banging in the drive.

4. Ensure the neighbours think you are 'right mental'

5. Make bed up inside - not drive - or you will never get it up in the bedroom. Start screwing.

6. After much planning, measuring, buying, sawing, routering, screwing, banging and a relatively small amount of effin and jeffin our bed was ready! It's enormous. It's magnificent. We will need to take the roof off to get it out. It's fantastic! No other history but ours is on it and that is the most important bit.

I have made many choices in my life - some right., some wrong. Like the 'mattresses of the past' there have been many ups, downs, bumps and loose springs. My beds have known tears of sadness and tears of laughter. Two husbands, three babies and several house moves have taught me that whatever happens night will fall and that a good nights sleep is essential.

A judging mother in law is not!

So yes, ex Mother in Law, I have made my bed and thanks to my gorgeous and clever engineer, I will bloody well love lying in it!

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