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Bikini Ready? Be More Duck

The upside of having a teenage daughter is the fact that we can bond over Love Island.

It is also good for my work ... really.

Let me explain ... if I supply teach, at lunchtime, I need to have some sort of chance at contributing to the vibrant conversations conducted by the NQTS and twenty somethings as I eat my cheese sandwich at an appropriate social distance.

So Love Island is back this month. #tans #drama #muggedoffphrases #gossip #judging #newbeaker

A bit like the show there is always light and shade.

The 'shade' is that it beckons the yearly dilema:

Is my body bikini ready?

Am I too old to wear one?

How do I fake tan and not look like an Oompa Loompa?

Now don't get me wrong I have no intention of playing beach volleyball in a brazilian tankini. (My ex-husband in currently trying to sell my old tankini bottoms on Facebook Market Place - FOR FREE!! - so I don't own any anyway!)

My main activity on the beach is shuffling awkwardly in a towel whilst effin and jeffin about the f*"king sand in my bag, pants, hair and sun cream and complaining about the £15 I have just spent on 3 hrs car parking. My ex lost it over sand on the beach once. It made my 'grounds' list.

Thankfully years later the tide has turned and I am now a new divorcee with an amazing new partner. Therefore there is bodywork maintenance to be done. Think more 'bed ready' than 'beach ready'!

My secret weapon is Salt Scrub.

It's not going to turn me into a perky size 8. It wont iron out the crepey bits or disappear the bingo wings but it will make me feel more confident and that's what it is all about. My Salt Scrub invigorates and makes my skin feel like silk. It is the best preparation for fake tan. (So I dont resemble Donald Trump). It also raises my confidence which makes me less likely to insist on sex in the dark.

We owe it to Love Island legend Caroline Flack to be more kind to ourselves. Self-confidence is key.

So Caroline I might just wear a knee length swimsuit and I might just leave the light on!

And finally ...

You might be wondering why I have a photo of a duck in a turquoise pool. Well my son James has incubated and hatched Rambo (yes really) the duck who gets to swim in Granny's pool. (yes really).

Rambo loves the water. Rambo does not care if his beak is too short, too long, too fat or too thin. Rambo does not worry about cellulite or ruffling any feathers!

Let's agree to be more like Rambo the duck and not give a f*"k.

Buy the bikini. Jump in the pool. Eat the ice cream.

It will be raining next week and we'll be back in jumpers and jeans anyway!

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